December 1, 2006



It's windy like cold breath in your face and it comes on hard and fast so unexpected that you can't catch your own breath let alone stop theirs and it's smothering and loud in your ears and it's weird because seconds ago it was gentle and loving almost like a little tickle and ripple of pleasent words and no where in your mind could you ever have expected the suffocation and noise and force like you're going to topple over and over and over until something subsides and gently returns you to upright though you doubt you even remember what upright is and where is the light that used to be right there above your eyes and why did it go black in here and why can't I move and I'm tired and there's so much weight on my chest and my lungs and where in the hell did my air go because I'm sure I had lungs just two seconds before but how can I be screaming when there's really no air at all and can't this all stop because I swear I'm splitting into two separate me's that can't fend alone in this world that can't even fit just one.


The rains come and pour down me like my skin is melting into some kind of unidentified liquid and there is no noise now but only silence and all I can concentrate on is slipping away into some sort of trance where presence is an option and feeling is overrated and the single star above me is so perfect and shining just enough to cage my gaze and keep my mind far away but not enough to make the tears quietly dry themselves as they slide cautiously from my wild eyes but it is me who lets them go and it is me who brought the heaviness and the noise and then the silence to fall into because where else can I really go besides in and I'll like to tell them that when it's all over and I'm shattering to bits all over the floor like a smashed glass just waiting to find the smallest last piece just to bring me back together but it traps in your toe as you leave.


I hear the thunder crash like it's right in my face because it is in my face with the big lightning eye that's flashing fast with hatred and I can't run away because it's on all sides of me and he's fast and faster and fastest and has the strength of some sky world I can't understand but how did the thunder sprout fists and why is my body tingling in a hot numb mix and my hair is suddenly my enemy because it's so so long and so easy for a thunder clap fist to take hold of and I hurt but I must stay standing for when you fall you are the weakest of all but how do you stay standing when you're so so small and it seems all too impossible to end and where can I go because there is no shelter when the storm is inside today.

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